- ASSUME THE POSITION.
male announcer: RESEARCH SHOWS...
- WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?
announcer: STUPID PEOPLE HAVE MORE FUN...
- AH! - GIVE ME A HOT DOG!
announcer: BUT DIE SOONER. - OH, MY GOD.
announcer: HERE'S PROOF.
THIS GUY HAD A HARDCORE DAY AND WOUND UP STIFF.
THIS ONE BIT OFF MORE THAN HE COULD CHEW.
THESE TWO KIDS LOCKED TONGUES AND LOST THEIR HEADS.
THERE'S THE FOOTBALL FAN WHO GOT THE COLD SHOULDER.
- DAMN. announcer: THE OUTDOORSMAN...
- HEAVY BASTARD. announcer: WHO GOT THE HOOK.
AND THE COED WHO LEARNED YOU CAN'T FOOL MUDDER NATURE.
- [screams]
announcer: THEY'RE YOUNG, NUMB, AND FULL OF DUMB.
IT'S THE NEXT EPISODE OF 1000 WAYS TO DIE.
DEATH IS EVERYWHERE.
MOST OF US TRY TO AVOID IT.
OTHERS CAN'T GET OUT OF ITS WAY.
EVERY DAY WE FIGHT A NEW WAR
AGAINST GERMS, TOXINS,
INJURY, ILLNESS,
AND CATASTROPHE.
THERE'S A LOT OF WAYS TO WIND UP DEAD.
THE FACT THAT WE SURVIVE AT ALL IS A MIRACLE,
BECAUSE EVERY DAY WE LIVE,
WE FACE 1000 WAYS TO DIE.
MIDDLE AMERICA.
IT'S A GREAT PLACE FOR FAMILY VALUES AND...
AN ENDLESS SUPPLY OF CRYSTAL METH.
THANKS TO THIS GUY: JIMMY MILLIKEN.
ONCE A PROMISING RESEARCH CHEMIST,
HE GRADUATED COLLEGE BY THE AGE OF 17.
BUT BY THE AGE OF 19,
HE WAS A STRUNG-OUT TWEAKER.
HE FINALLY PUT HIS LAB SKILLS TO USE.
AND FOR THE LAST FIVE YEARS
HAS BEEN WHIPPING UP LARGE BATCHES
OF THE TOXIC DRUG.
JIMMY WOULD GET SO STRUNG OUT,
HE WOULD STAY AWAKE FOR FIVE OR SIX DAYS STRAIGHT.
HIS HALLUCINATIONS WERE HAVING HALLUCINATIONS.
- A HIGH-INTENSITY METHAMPHETAMINE USER,
SUCH AS THIS PERSON,
TYPICALLY STAYS AWAKE BETWEEN 3 TO 15 DAYS.
THIS INSOMNIA, COUPLED WITH THE DRUG USE,
CAN CAUSE INCREASED PARANOIA, HALLUCINATIONS, SELF-MUTILATION,
AND BECOME JUST PLAIN DANGEROUS.
announcer: HIS ONLY FORM OF NUTRITION
WAS A SIX-DAY-OLD PIECE OF GUM.
TO KEEP IT FRESH, HE'D DIP IT IN CITRIC ACID.
HOUR AFTER HOUR, IT WAS THE SAME DRILL.
DIP, CHEW, REPEAT. DIP, CHEW, REPEAT.
BUT THEN HE DEVELOPED A HITCH IN HIS DIP.
JIMMY MISTAKENLY DIPPED HIS WORN-OUT GUM
INTO A BOWL OF RED PHOSPHORUS,
AN EXPLOSIVE SUBSTANCE FOUND IN METH AND FIREWORKS.
JIMMY'S JAWS EXERTED UP TO 120 POUNDS OF PRESSURE.
ENOUGH TO IGNITE THE RED PHOSPHORUS.
BECAUSE THE EXPLOSION WAS CONTAINED IN A SMALL SPACE,
IT HAD ENOUGH FORCE TO BLAST JIMMY'S JAW
RIGHT OFF ITS HINGES.
HIS BRIAN BOUNCED OFF THE BACK OF HIS SKULL,
HEMORRHAGING THE CEREBRAL CORTEX,
AND CAUSING IT TO BLEED OUT.
THIS TIME, IT LOOKS LIKE JIMMY BIT OFF MORE THAN HE COULD CHEW.
A COUNTY MORGUE CAN BE A PRETTY GRIM PLACE
EVEN ON A SLOW DEATH DAY.
- IT'S A LARGE, LARGE MASS.
announcer: BUT SOMETIMES, A ROUTINE AUTOPSY
CAN PRODUCE RESULTS SO SHOCKING
THAT EVEN SEASONED PATHOLOGISTS ARE STUNNED BY WHAT THEY FIND.
- OH, MY GOD. - WHAT IS THAT?
announcer: WE'LL GET TO THAT IN A SECOND.
- IT'S A RATHER LARGE MASS.
announcer: THE WOMAN ON THE TABLE IS JOAN MEIKIN.
SHE DIDN'T ALWAYS LOOK LIKE THIS.
SHE USED TO LOOK LIKE THIS.
JOAN WAS A BEAUTIFUL, FREE SPIRIT,
AN ARTIST, AND A NUDIST.
BUT JOAN HAD A BIG PROBLEM GROWING DEEP INSIDE HER.
- AH.
announcer: JOAN SUFFERED FROM A DISEASE
KNOWN AS TRICHOPHAGIA.
AN OBSESSIVE NEED TO INGEST HAIR.
- [gulps]
- HAIR IS MADE OF LONG CHAINS OF POLYPEPTIDES AND PROTEINS
ALL CONGLOMERATED INTO SOMETHING WE CALL KERATIN.
KERATIN IS INDIGESTIBLE BY THE HUMAN G.I. SYSTEM.
announcer: OVER TIME, JOAN'S UNDIGESTED HAIR
BEGAN CLOGGING UP HER STOMACH.
SHE WAS UNABLE TO KEEP ANY FOOD DOWN.
AND GREW WEAKER AND WEAKER.
STUPIDLY, SHE IGNORED HER SYMPTOMS.
HER HEALTH DETERIORATED UNTIL...
- [coughing]
announcer: SHE COLLAPSED INTO A COMA AND SOON AFTER DIED,
WHICH BRINGS US BACK TO WHERE WE STARTED.
- WHAT IS THAT?
announcer: JOAN'S OBSESSIVE HAIR EATING
FORMED SOMETHING CALLED A BEZOAR IN HER STOMACH.
WHAT'S A BEZOAR?
- IT'S A BALL OF HAIR.
announcer: IT'S ALSO WHAT KILLED HER.
- THE TRICHOBEZOAR OR THE HAIR PLUG
IS MADE UP OF NOT ONLY HAIR,
BUT UNDIGESTED FOOD PARTICLES,
FAT, LIQUID THAT STOP THE GASTROINTESTINAL SYSTEM.
YOU GET A BACKUP OF FOOD, WATER, LIQUIDS,
WHICH IF PUT ENOUGH PRESSURE,
CAN RIP A HOLE IN THE INTESTINE.
THAT HOLE CAN CAUSE BLEEDING INTERNALLY
IN THE LINING OF THE GUT.
announcer: JOAN WANTED TO CHANGE THE WORLD.
SHE SHOULD'VE CHANGED HER EATING HABITS.
UP NEXT... - ASSUME THE POSITION. YAH!
announcer: A CUTE COED TURNS INTO A MUDDER SUCKER.
- [screams]
announcer: AND...
A SURVIVALIST WHO COULDN'T SURVIVE.
announcer: IT'S HAZING WEEK AT ETA PI SORORITY.
HARRIET WAS IN CHARGE OF THE NEW PLEDGES.
- ASSUME THE POSITION.
I SAID BEND OVER! YAH!
announcer: TOO BAD FOR THEM,
SHE'S THE DAUGHTER OF A MARINE DRILL INSTRUCTOR.
NOW AFTER SURVIVING A WEEK OF ABUSE,
THE PLEDGES PREPARED FOR THEIR FINAL HUMILIATION.
ETA PI'S ANNUAL MUD WRESTLING MATCH.
THE PLEDGES MADE A MUD PIT.
- HEY, PLEDGE.
announcer: AND HARRIET WAS READY TO GET DOWN AND DIRTY.
- GIVE ME THAT. - AH AH.
announcer: BUT ONE PLEDGE HAD SOME FIGHT IN HER.
- AH. - NO. AH!
I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!
announcer: HARRIET DIDN'T LIKE BEING CHALLENGED
AND THE HAZING GOT UGLY.
- YOU WANT TO WRESTLE?
- THERE ARE WAYS TO CHEAT DURING MUD WRESTLING.
FOR ME, EXPOSING MY OPPONENTS' BREASTS WILL DEFINITELY HELP ME
GAIN ADVANTAGE.
MY OPPONENT WILL LET GO OF ME,
TRY AND COVER THEMSELVES UP,
AND THAT WILL GIVE ME ADVANTAGE
TO GRAB THEM AND GET THEM IN THE SUBMISSION HOLD.
THAT I WANT THEM IN.
announcer: THE NEW GIRL DID HER BEST...
- OH, MY GOD. COME HERE.
announcer: BUT HARRIET WAS SOON ON TOP
AND SHE WAS GOING TO MAKE THIS SLIMY UPSTART
SWALLOW HER PRIDE.
- EAT IT. EAT IT. EAT IT.
announcer: JUST AS THE PLEDGE WAS READY TO BLACK OUT,
THE OTHER TERRIFIED GIRLS PULLED HER AWAY.
- GO CRY, LITTLE GIRLS.
announcer: THE QUEEN BITCH STRUTTED TO THE CENTER
OF THE PIT...
- I'M THE QUEEN. YOU SUCK. WHOA. OH OH. AH.
OH, NO. OH, NO! [screams]
announcer: AND SANK INTO THE QUAGMIRE.
- SHUT UP.
announcer: HARRIET'S ETA PI SORORITY SISTERS
HAD UNWITTINGLY BUILT THEIR WRESTLING PIT
OVER AN UNDERGROUND SINKHOLE.
- THAT SPOT MUST'VE BEEN LOCATED RIGHT OVER A PREEXISTING CAVERN
WITH A VERY THIN ROOF.
OVER TIME, THE WATER WOULD ADD WEIGHT.
IT WOULD SOFTEN THE ROCK.
AND FINALLY, THE ROOF OF THE SINKHOLE
WOULD'VE COLLAPSED.
SHE WOULD'VE BEEN BURIED BY TONS OF MUD.
AND THAT WOULD'VE PRESSED IN ON HER CHEST.
EVENTUALLY, SHE WOULD'VE SUFFOCATED.
- BEND OVER!
announcer: HARRIET ENJOYED MAKING HER PLEDGES' LIVES
A LIVING HELL.
- I HATE YOU!
announcer: UNTIL HELL DECIDED TO SWALLOW HER WHOLE.
HAL LIVED OFF THE GRID. - [spits]
announcer: WHATEVER HE NEEDED, HE POACHED.
ARMED WITH A SHOTGUN, A CHAIN, AND A MEAT HOOK,
HE HAD ALL THE TOOLS HE NEEDED TO SURVIVE.
AND ALL THE TOOLS HE NEEDED TO DIE.
HE WAS TOO GOOD A SHOT TO BLOW HIS BRAINS OUT.
AFTER ALL, HE WAS BORN WITH THE SECOND AMENDMENT
TATTOOED TO HIS ASS.
SO THE GUN IS OUT.
EVEN THOUGH HAL BELIEVED ELECTRICITY
WAS A SECRET FORM OF MIND CONTROL,
HE STILL COULDN'T LIVE WITHOUT HIS DAILY DOSE
OF GLENN BECK.
- [belches]
announcer: SO HE USED HIS MEAT HOOK
TO POACH A LITTLE POWER.
A FINE WAY TO DIE.
BUT THAT'S NOT THE WAY HAL IS GOING TO LEAVE US.
MAYBE HAL COULD OFF HIMSELF
BY POACHING THE OLD-FASHIONED WAY.
- DAMN. HEAVY BASTARD.
announcer: RAISING A 500-POUND ELK
WITH AN EIGHT-FOOT CHAIN
CAN SOMETIMES LEAVE YOU HANGING.
BUT, NO, THE OLD "HANGED BY AN ELK" DEATH
WILL HAVE TO WAIT FOR ANOTHER IDIOT.
BECAUSE 20 FEET FROM HIS SHACK,
HAL STEPPED IN A DITCH.
- WHA!
announcer: AND SWALLOWED HIS MEAT HOOK WHOLE.
[gurgling]
THE HOOK WENT IN HIS MOUTH
AND CAME BACK OUT HIS TRACHEA.
- THIS INDIVIDUAL ACTUALLY SELF-INDUCED
A TRACHEOTOMY.
THE PROBLEM WITH THIS TRACHEOTOMY
IS THAT THE HOLE WAS NEVER UNBLOCKED.
SO HE WAS NEVER ABLE TO BREATHE, AND HE DIED OF ASPHYXIATION.
announcer: THERE'S A LOT OF WAYS TO DIE OUT IN THE WILDERNESS.
HAL FOUND A NEW ONE. - WHA!
announcer: HOOK IN MOUTH DISEASE.
COMING UP, A STUD GOES THREE FOR THREE
THEN STRIKES OUT AND...
- GIVE ME A HOT DOG!
announcer: A FOOTBALL FAN FROM HELL...
- WHOO! announcer: FREEZES OVER.
announcer: PETER WAS ABOUT TO HAVE THE DAY OF HIS LIFE.
THE ONLY PROBLEM,
IT WOULD END WITH THE END OF HIS LIFE.
- HEY, BABY.
announcer: IT STARTED OFF WITH HIS LONG-TIME GIRLFRIEND,
BRIANNA.
- THANK YOU.
announcer: SHE WAS THE NURTURING TYPE.
- YOU'RE SO SWEET. - I KNOW.
announcer: SHE WOULD FILL HIS FRIDGE
AND THEN PETER WOULD FILL BRIANNA.
AFTER BRIANNA, HE GOT A BIG SURPRISE.
- HEY, YOU STILL THERE, BIG GUY?
announcer: PETER'S PETER WAS STILL STIFF
AS A PARKING METER.
WHAT BRIANNA DIDN'T KNOW, PETE WAS A DIRTY DOG CHEATER.
HE BROUGHT IN HIS BACKUP BABES.
- MM. LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE READY FOR ME.
- OH, YEAH.
announcer: FIRST LUKASHA, THEN DESIREE.
LITTLE PETER WAS DOING FINE, BUT BIG PETE WAS NOT.
FINALLY, AFTER A COUPLE OF MORE THRUSTS,
THE STUD WENT THUD.
AFTER CLOSE EXAMINATION,
OUR 1000 WAYS INVESTIGATORS PIECED TOGETHER
PETER'S DEATH PUZZLE.
EARLIER IN THE DAY,
PETER WAS UNPACKING BRIANNA'S GROCERIES.
- AH! AH! - WHAT HAPPENED?
- WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?
announcer: THAT WAS A NASTY LITTLE CREATURE
CALLED A WANDERING SPIDER.
- THE WANDERING SPIDER IS FOUND
THROUGHOUT SOUTH AMERICA AND CENTRAL AMERICA.
OCCASIONALLY IT WANDERS INTO BANANAS
AND THOSE BANANAS GET SHIPPED TO THE UNITED STATES.
- AH! AH! - WHAT HAPPENED?
announcer: THE WANDERING SPIDER'S VENOM WILL KILL A HUMAN
IN ANYWHERE FROM 2-12 HOURS.
- THE NEUROTOXIN OF THE SPIDER, WHICH IS IN THE VENOM
STARTED SPREADING REALLY FAST.
AS A RESULT,
THIS NEUROTOXIN WAS ABLE TO GET TO CRITICAL ORGANS
QUITE QUICKLY.
AND, ULTIMATELY, PETER'S BODY SHUT DOWN.
AND HE DIED OF COMPLETE HEMODYNAMIC
AND CARDIOVASCULAR COLLAPSE.
announcer: BUT THE WANDERING SPIDER GIVES A GIFT
BEFORE IT TAKES A LIFE.
A ROCK-HARD, PERMANENT ERECTION.
ITS TOXIC VENOM RELEASES NITRIC OXIDE,
WHICH CAUSES ARTERIES AND VEINS TO DILATE,
SENDING A RUSH OF BONER BLOOD TO THE PENIS.
- YOU'RE AWESOME. - YEAH.
announcer: PETE WAS A CHEAT WHO THOUGHT IT WAS NEAT
TO BANG THREE GIRLS IN ONE DAY.
ALONG CAME A SPIDER. - AH!
announcer: AND WHILE HE WAS INSIDE HER,
A HEART ATTACK BLEW PETER AWAY.
- IT IS GONNA BE A FUN ONE TONIGHT!
announcer: DO YOU EVER GET THE URGE TO GET STUPID DRUNK...
- YEAH!
announcer: PAINT YOURSELF IN YOUR TEAM'S COLORS
AND SIT HALF NAKED IN SUBZERO WEATHER
AT A FOOTBALL GAME?
- YOU SUCK!
announcer: ONLY AN IDIOT WOULD DO SUCH A THING.
MEET GEORGE.
- OPEN YOUR EYES!
announcer: GEORGE WAS WHAT YOU WOULD CALL A SUPER FAN.
- YES!
announcer: HE WOULD SHOW UP HOURS BEFORE KICKOFF
AND GET SUPER DRUNK.
- GIVE ME A HOT DOG!
announcer: AND SCARE OFF ANYONE WHO WALKED BY.
- COME ON. ZZZ!
- THERE'S REALLY TWO KINDS OF FOOTBALL FANATICS OUT THERE.
THERE'S THE CLASSY, RESPECTFUL FOOTBALL FANATIC
AND THEN THERE'S THE MORON.
- WHOO! HIGH FIVE!
- YOU WONDER "WHO IS HE ACTUALLY GOING HOME TO TONIGHT?"
- CROSS THE LEVY.
- THOSE ARE THE KIND OF FANATICS THAT GIVE US A BAD NAME.
announcer: WITH AN ARCTIC COLD FRONT MOVING IN,
TODAY'S GAME WAS GOING FROM THE FRIDGE TO THE FREEZER.
- WHOO!
announcer: GEORGE WAS FLIRTING WITH A CONDITION
CALLED HYPOTHERMIA.
- HYPOTHERMIA IS DIVIDED INTO THREE STAGES.
THERE'S MILD, MODERATE, AND SEVERE.
THE MILD STAGE IS WHEN YOUR CORE BODY TEMPERATURE DROPS
TO BETWEEN 95 AND 93 DEGREES FAHRENHEIT.
YOU'LL START TO SHIVER,
THE SKIN WILL START TO TURN PALE,
AND YOU MIGHT HAVE A LITTLE BIT OF CONFUSION.
[cheers]
announcer: GEORGE JUST THOUGHT HE HAD A GOOD BUZZ GOING.
HE HAD NO IDEA HE WAS SLOWLY TURNING
INTO A FROZEN SLAB OF MEAT.
- MODERATE HYPOTHERMIA OCCURS
WHEN YOUR CORE BODY TEMPERATURE DROPS
BETWEEN 93 AND 86 DEGREES FAHRENHEIT.
YOUR SHIVERING IS QUITE VIOLENT.
YOUR MUSCLES BECOME DIFFICULT TO COORDINATE.
[cheers]
announcer: BY THE TIME GEORGE REALIZED
SOMETHING WAS WRONG,
HE HAD LOST THE ABILITY TO COMMUNICATE.
- [mumbling]
announcer: NO ONE AROUND HIM TOOK ANY NOTICE.
- UGH.
announcer: HE JUST SEEMED LIKE THE OBNOXIOUS DRUNK
HE ALWAYS WAS.
[cheers]
BEING PAINTED BLUE,
THE FANS AROUND HIM DIDN'T NOTICE
THAT HE WAS ACTUALLY TURNING BLUE
WITH HIS CORE TEMPERATURE DROPPING BELOW 88 DEGREES.
SUFFERING FROM SEVERE HYPOTHERMIA,
HIS MAJOR ORGANS SEIZED UP
AND HE FLESH SLOWLY FROZE.
- IN SEVERE HYPOTHERMIA,
YOUR CORE BODY TEMPERATURES
DROP TO BELOW 86 DEGREES FAHRENHEIT.
YOU SUFFER MULTIPLE ORGAN FAILURE.
WHAT KILLS YOU IS CARDIAC ARREST
OR CARDIAC FIBRILLATION.
announcer: THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH ROOTING FOR THE HOME TEAM.
- GO BLUE!
announcer: BUT WHEN FAN TURNS TO FANATIC...
- YOU SUCK!
announcer: THAT'S WHEN TROUBLE BEGINS.
GEORGE WENT FROM SUPER, TO STUPOR, TO STIFF.
NOW HE'S DEAD, NOW HE'S DEAD, REAL DEAD.
[whistle blows]
DON'T YOU JUST WANT TO RIP THE HEADS OFF
ALL THESE KIDS WITH PIERCINGS?
- GET BACK IN THE CAR!
announcer: SIT BACK AND WATCH.
announcer: THERE'S REALLY NOTHING WORSE
THAN A BUNCH OF SNOTTY, SUBURBAN KIDS
WITH A LOT MORE MONEY THAN BRAINS.
- GET IN, BOY! LET'S DO THIS!
announcer: AND THIS GANG OF INTELLECTUALLY CHALLENGED
TWENTY-SOMETHINGS DRAINED THEIR TRUST FUNDS
ON FASHION ACCESSORIES AND MUSCLE CARS.
THEIR IDEA OF A GOOD TIME
WAS TO PLAY AT BEING FAST AND FURIOUS.
MIKE AND JADE SAW THEMSELVES AS THE SID AND NANCY
OF THE GROUP.
A COUPLE OF SEX PISTOLS WHO DIDN'T HAVE AN ORIFICE
THAT WASN'T PIERCED
AND DIDN'T KNOW A LINE
THEY WOULDN'T CROSS.
TODAY, JADE WAS TAKING HER NEW TONGUE PIERCING OUT
FOR A JOY RIDE.
- A SLAVE RING IS SOMETHING LIKE WHAT I'M WEARING HERE
WHERE A BARBELL IS CONNECTED TO THE BEAD
THAT CLOSES THE RING.
THE SLAVE MASTER WOULD ATTACH A LEASH OR A CHAIN
TO LEAD THEIR SLAVE AROUND.
announcer: THEY THOUGHT THEY'D CHRISTEN
THE NEW PIERCING WITH A STUNT THEY CALLED THE KISS OF DEATH.
THE TWO LOVERS REMAINED LIP LOCKED
UNTIL THE LAST POSSIBLE MOMENT WHEN THE CARS WOULD PULL AWAY
TO AVOID A STATIONARY OBJECT.
IN THIS CASE, A SLOW-MOVING FORKLIFT.
THE STUNT WOULD'VE WORKED,
EXCEPT MIKE AND JADE SUDDENLY FOUND THEMSELVES
TONGUE-TIED.
- GET BACK IN THE CAR!
GET IN THE CAR NOW!
- ONE WOULD HAVE THE SLAVE RING WITH THE HOOP ON IT
AND THEN WHAT WOULD END UP HAPPENING
WOULD BE THAT THE BALL ON JUST THE PLAIN,
REGULAR TONGUE RING
WOULD GET LODGED IN THAT RING.
- [screams]
announcer: THE TWO DRIVERS SHOULD'VE SLOWED THEIR CARS DOWN
AT THE SAME TIME.
BUT THEY DIDN'T USE THEIR HEADS.
SO INSTEAD, MIKE AND JADE LOST THEIRS.
- [screams]
announcer: KIDS THESE DAYS DO SOME PRETTY DUMB THINGS.
THESE TWO COULD'VE USED A SIMPLE HEAD'S UP.
- OH, MY GOD!
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